Everyone has those days, right?

One of those days where you just so happen to wake up feeling a bit sad. No real reason to why. You’re just…sad.

For most people that feeling just fades; it just goes away after a day or even a couple of hours.

But for me that feeling just lingers like a shadow, a dark shadow that never really seems to go away and just leave me alone. Even after I beg it to just let me be happy even for a couple of seconds.

I just can’t drop this shadow.

“One of those days” becomes one of those weeks. “One of those weeks” becomes one of those months, and before I know it, I’ve had “one of those days” every day.

The shadow didn’t just go away like everyone else’s did.

It just became me.

Don’t get me wrong. It’s not like I don’t ever smile or even laugh. I might even get that glimmer of hope and start to believe that Mr. Shadow is gone forever.

But that happy feeling just doesn’t last. I go home after a good day, start to overthink the moments that made me smile the most and…poof. Mr. Shadow is back on me. And I’m scared.

He’s grabbing on tighter than before as if he’s making sure I won’t leave and be happy again. That good, happy feeling I had?

Gone.

Pulled straight out of me like it never, ever happened.

Eventually that feeling of sadness and fear became something I’ve gotten used to. I’ve become comfortable. I don’t even care about anyone’s success or happy moments because I can’t even be happy for my own.

I’ve became an angry, bitter, mean, selfish person. My heart races with paranoia for unknown reasons. I stop eating for days. The adrenaline becomes my fuel. My mood swings range from happy go lucky to anger in the blink of an eye, and the violent movements of my body are uncontrollable.

I can’t help it.

I want to be happy and unfazed by simple life events.

But comfort is nice.

I think I’ve learned how to deal with the sadness I feel every day. The tears that fall effortlessly down my cheeks. The questions that burn holes into my heart. The lies that spill shamelessly out of my mouth to make things easier.

I want to talk about how I feel to the curious, caring people who ask me if I’m OK.

But how?

How do I explain that I am truly terrified to be happy because I believe the miraculous Mr. Shadow will comeback to rip the smile off my face again?

I can’t. I won’t. So I don’t.

I sit and continue to paint a huge nothing is wrong with me smile on my unhappy, teary-eyed face and try not to think about the happy memories.

I hope no one will ask me those heartbreaking questions that make me cry because saying “everything” when someone asks what’s wrong makes me feel even worse.

I hope no one will make me explain why I cried every night this week because saying “I don’t know anymore” makes me question my sanity.

I hope Mr. Shadow will never make me take the medication I’m petrified of taking because I know I will abuse the pills. Anything to stop the racing thoughts shouldn’t be limited to a “once a day” amount, and I don’t trust myself.

I hope that everyone else is so happy that they never stop smiling because I don’t ever want anyone to suffer through what I have to suffer through.

Every. Single. Day.

Mr. Shadow’s daily dose of bipolar depression and anxiety.