“It’s just a phase.”

“You’ll grow out of it.”

“You’re just confused.”

All of these words circle around my head as I try to find myself.

Every day attempting to be a person that I am not.

Every day contemplating on telling the truth.

Every day pushing the feelings away, that I know will never leave.

But I know I can’t change.

At home. At school. Putting on this mask. Being someone everyone else wants me to be.

I feel like an outcast. Like I don’t belong.

“You’re too young to know who you love,” they’ve told me for years.

They preach hate upon my love.

“Sinful, ungodly,” they say.

They think it’s a decision, but only I know the truth.

Of course their words hurt. And linger around my mind.

But I know I can’t change.

The little things start to bother me more.

The phrase “That’s so gay” gains more meaning.

It’s difficult to in a world where people oppress the different.

And it becomes more painful every day to just be myself.

“God won’t love you.”

A religion I loved and lived by now makes me feel despondent.

But I know I can’t change.

Even music dejects me.

I start to see what the lyrics actually mean.

And how many people actually distress the thought of same sex love.

Even my teachers have made comments throughout the years.

One teacher embarrassed me in front of the whole class.

Even though I knew my face was cherry red, I laughed and smiled and acted like it didn’t bother me one bit.

But inside it broke my heart to know that even my favorite teachers can’t accept me.

Their words hurt, but I know I can’t change.

I have lost friends.

I have lost people who said they’d never leave, but fled when they knew the truth.

The hardest part was coming to the realization that even my family wouldn’t accept me.

“I wouldn’t want to be seen walking around in public with you.”

“You’re gross now.”

“How could you do this? You make us look bad now.”

“Now you’re the weird one in the family.”

But they could never understand how bad their words hurt.

I have spent nights alone, hurt and trying to convince myself to change.

But I knew I couldn’t change.

After a while, I have learned to love myself.

Even if it meant losing more people who meant a lot to me.

I was determined to be happy.

I have pushed opinions away.

I have finally learned how to be happy being myself.

It feels nice.

I am finally taking off the mask I had been hiding behind for so long.

I feel free.

I am finally happy because I knew I couldn’t change.