I’ve spent 12 long years with all of you nerds, and I think it’s time for some tough love. I’m just about fed up with you people and I believe that it’s time to squash some beefs.

Let’s start with Shelly Connor. In Mrs. Bauder’s second grade class, you stabbed me in the hand with a fully sharpened pencil so hard that I still have residual lead stuck in my skin. To this day, I still have yet to forgive you fully.

Next up is Hunter Koebrick. During a kickball game at recess in fifth grade, you jumped and kneed me in the stomach in an effort to steal third base. As I laid on the dirt, gasping for air and screaming in agonizing pain, you took a home run. Then you whined to the teacher that the I hurt your knee and she took away my kickball privileges for the rest of the day. I’m still trying to wrap my mind around that one.

Now before I play the victim card a third time, I’d like to say that I’ve dished out my fair share of cruelty throughout adolescence. Like during lunch in seventh grade for example, I teamed up with some buddies to give Jesse Fogg a swirly in the restroom. A teacher overheard noise erupting from the door so loud that it echoed down the hallways. I’ll be the first to admit that I deserved to get suspended for that one. I also got suspended for kicking Jesse Reynoso in the crotch after he pulled my gym shorts down in front of a group of girls, and that was completely justified as well.

But then there’s William Ballenger who tattled on me in the fourth grade for calling the art teacher a bad name behind her back. I told you that in confidence, William! When everyone else got to sculpt with clay, I had to write a paragraph explaining why we have to be nice to one another.

In sixth grade, Rex wouldn’t stop calling me a fish stick. At first it was funny but after a couple years and four therapy sessions later, I realized that I’m still not over it.

Anyway, what I’m trying to get at here is that it has been a fantastic twelve years with you all. Each one of you holds a special place in my heart, and I wish you all the best in life.

So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, goodbye!