Depression. It makes you feel alone even though you’re surrounded by people.

Panic attacks. They make you believe you can’t breathe even though air is all around you.

At school it’s mandatory to learn about suicide prevention, but the majority of the students don’t actually pay attention to it.

Students constantly make jokes about how they’re going to kill themselves because they have a test next period or because they don’t like the classes they’re in. Instead of taking it seriously, many make jokes about it not knowing what students around them may be dealing with.

After we watch the suicide prevention video and reflect on it, a slip of paper is handed out to every student in the classroom. On each slip of paper is a space to write someone’s name if you think they need help.

Someone wrote my name.

Backtrack two years ago when I was in eighth grade. I was constantly stressed with school work and home issues and I never asked for any help which resulted with anxiety and then panic attacks.

My first panic attack was in the hall during passing period. I was walking and then suddenly I couldn’t breathe right; I remember my friends freaking out and pulling me toward the nurse’s office. They told the nurse that I looked pale and scared. I was taking deep breaths but nothing really helped. I felt like everything I did wasn’t going to work.

After that, doctors decided to start running a bunch of tests on me. They wanted to figure out what was wrong with me and what was causing the panic attacks. They took blood nonstop because they were afraid I was having seizures. And then there were the tests on my brain to see if anything struck out but nothing did.

The doctors said I was having panic attacks and had no clue what caused them. They had to show me different ways to prevent them; the only con was that sometimes these preventable measures sometimes wouldn’t work.

I would smile all the time so no one would notice, but then there were always the people who would actually look and notice that smile wasn’t actually real.

When it wouldn’t work, it felt like I was drowning under water that wasn’t even there. Every time I took a breath, I would just sink deeper and deeper until I was at the bottom and it wasn’t the best feeling in the world.

How are you supposed to explain what’s wrong with you when you don’t even know the cause?

I started to feel depressed the same year I started having my panic attacks, and with both of them together it was too much to deal with.

I never felt the need to talk about it like everyone said. Instead, I kept it to myself and no one knew until now.

I always thought kids have to deal with bigger things when it comes to family or school. I shouldn’t have been depressed; I didn’t have the right to be. People have worse things to deal with. I have nice family and friends who are with me every day; I shouldn’t have been depressed.

One of my friends thought I should talk to someone.

So am I talking now?