Just breathe.

I take two deep breaths in and two breaths out. I struggle to let oxygen fill up my lungs, and the world starts to slow down around me.

I keep breathing.

Once my vision returns I can see what’s really happening. The world is moving fast, but that’s OK. I can keep up.

At 6 a.m. this morning I flipped on my light, four times to be exact. Up and down, up and down. After that, I turned my door handle once to the left and then once to the right.

This is how my day starts. Every day, on repeat.

I keep breathing.

I’m at school and my day has begun. A white cord slithers out from my pockets and plugs into my phone. After scrolling through my extensive music library, I have finally picked out a song. Play, pause, play, pause. The melodies vibrate throughout my ears. Helping me focus on the tasks at hand, I am distracted by the noise that surrounds me.

The bell rings. My water bottle goes on the right pocket on my backpack and then the zipper is pulled from right to left. Multiple bodies rush past me toward the escaping aromas of food. But I must make it to the stairs, so I force myself to go the opposite direction of the crowd. One foot in front of the other. Not one stair can be stepped on twice. If I make the mistake, I have to repeat the process again.

I keep breathing.

I see the person who used to mean a lot to me and I’m forced to visualize when an age-old monster finally took hold of me. I remember the times when it used to be controlled. I could deal with the unequal length shoelaces, the crooked picture on the wall, the almost half tiles that meet in the corners of the walls and I could deal with slight slant in my handwriting. But now after my mind lost all control, I physically can’t deal with it anymore.

I keep breathing.

After the countless nights of forcing myself to deal with emotions I carelessly threw out the window, I couldn’t hide it anymore. My years of running from anything remotely emotional caused me to adopt a new form of coping. This was the only way I could regain the control I once had.

The dark hours that caused me to attempt trying to scratch his scent  off of my body. Or the days I spent mulling over my grandma’s jewelry, picking it up and putting it down. Or the times I would torture myself thinking about how I would never feel the lips of my first kiss again. Or the way the family dynamic has changed at home. Or the inevitable that is rapidly approaching. My mind couldn’t take it anymore.

I keep breathing.

I hide behind a veil of normality in hopes of keeping this under wraps. I am embarrassed of the numbers and impulses that ravage my brain. But still I am forced every second to accommodate my life to this new monster. This beast I have never cared to acknowledge. I have seen this before in the small moments in my life, just creeping in the background. But now that I have no defense it has taken a hold of me and shaped me into this new human being.

I keep breathing.

Eventually the tears will stop falling, the numbers will quit racing, the world will stop spinning and I will start living. But for now, I will keep combating my inner demons and accommodating to their needs instead of trying to hide them as if they can’t be seen. I will keep my mind pushing through the darkest times of my life. I will keep my story going and my pen flowing.

I will keep breathing.