As my eyes pop open from sleeping, I feel pain on my hand; I look down to find the top of my hand red, not from scratching, but from blood trickling down my skin. This is the worst part about having eczema: waking up to find myself bleeding or finding marks on my skin from all the scratching I cause during my sleep.

A sigh escapes my mouth as the urge to scratch enters my body. I try to remember the tricks I’ve learned to keep myself from scratching, but my mind goes blank and the urge to scratch replays in my mind over and over again. I pull out a tissue from my nightstand, pressing it onto my hand to prevent blood from coming out as I pick away at my skin.

Since I was 8, I’ve been dealing with eczema and it has been a struggle. The majority of the time, my eczema starts acting up during the winter season or when I can’t handle my stress. Sometimes, I just scratch when my skin is irritated or find myself scratching unintentionally.

Throughout the past 9 years, my eczema became worse on my hand and my skin became flaky, almost to the point where it looked sunburned. I wished my hand looked like the hand models I see on TV who model rings, their skin shiny like a clear quartz.

But I knew my hand would never be as clear as those models.

In August of 2018, I decided enough was enough and consulted my dermatologist about my skin problem. He prescribed me a cream which was more effective than any other lotion I’ve used in the past. This helped clear my skin. The temptation to scratch slowly subsided, causing me to feel as beautiful as those models.

However, like everything in life, this was only temporary. With all the stress from my friends and academics, I began scratching uncontrollably, causing my eczema to make its comeback. For a while, this upset me because I worked extremely hard to remove the eczema. Because of this, I felt ashamed to wear rings on my hand which had eczema and my self-confidence lowered.

As time passed by, I’ve come to accept my eczema. I’ve learned Eczema doesn’t define me as a person or how beautiful I am. I’ve learned what matters is what I think of myself and I think I’m a gorgeous human being whether or not I have eczema.

And maybe my hand may never look like those hand models on TV, but I would rather be true to myself and show the world the real me. Learning to accept I have eczema has been tough for me, and like my love for rings and heels, I’ve learned to love my eczema too.

In the words of Samantha Jones, “I love you, but I love me more.”