I’ve always known I was weird ever since I was a little girl. I would always be scared of things that weren’t scary, but as I started growing up, that fear left.

It wasn’t until the beginning of 2017 when everything began to feel uneasy. I started noticing sounds that were uncomfortable for me. I was afraid of walking down the street because of my irrational fear of clowns, getting lost in open crowd spaces, having to carry a baby inside my stomach for months, and the worst of all, seeing red, goopy blood.

I don’t recall how I developed these fears, but living with them is harder than it sounds.

Not knowing what phobias were was awesome, until I developed a few.

Hearing people chew specific foods, such as crackers and honeycombs is the death of me. I can hear the slobber and it’s disgusting; my stomach drops and it makes me want to puke.

People think they know how it feels. “You’re just faking it,” they say. I hear things like that daily, especially from my little brother who thinks I’m being impolite.

I thought it was normal until people in class started eating chips and all I could hear was ‘crunch.’ I started listening to sounds carefully to see if I was OK; for instance , the sound of people eating watermelon with the slobbering noises and the munch easily made me twitch and feel uneasy. I started searching on the dark web to see what it could be and eventually found it.

Misophonia.

A disorder in which certain sounds can trigger emotional or physiological responses. All I could think was… “Great.”

Unfortunately for me, this is not where the story ends.

In 2016, hysteria was running wild because of people dressing up as clowns, terrorizing the streets of America. After this incident, I developed a weird phobia, the kind to grab everyone’s attention.

I have a phobia of clowns and it’s the best circumstance to happen to me. No, it isn’t. I think there is a clown outside my window, in my closet or in my bedroom; I can’t even sleep sometimes because of that red shiny nose.

 I can’t even talk about it anymore without being scared because I have coulrophobia.

Have you ever been cutting vegetables and then you accidentally cut yourself? I haven’t. Not because I don’t ever cook, but I’m beyond careful.

Why? I have a fear of blood.

That red liquid dripping is the ultimate disgusting concern ever. I wanted to be a doctor in the future, which is laughable now, maybe? I know I’m second guessing myself, I don’t know what to do. Should I become a doctor and pass out every single time I see blood? Sure every patient would want to go and see me. Who am I kidding? I have hemophobia.

Every time I seem to go out, which isn’t that much because I isolate myself, I get scared of getting lost.

What if I make a wrong turn and end up in the basement with nowhere to go because I will eventually obtain the door locked, what would I do?

I’ll have anxiety and start crying while having a mental breakdown, hoping someone will help, yet nobody shows up.

I have agoraphobia.

I see pregnant women all around social media and ask myself, “How can someone be ready to have a kid?” because I sure am not.

This seems weird, but just the fact of having a kid scares me. The whole process of being in the hospital and then taking “it” home, I don’t think so.

 It scares me so much, maybe because I have tocophobia.

These phobias have affected me in ways I don’t know how to describe, they are frightening but I have found a way to push through them… Not really.