As I look at myself in the mirror, I remember the words of my elementary school friends. I touch my face and wonder if I’ll ever consider myself enough. I struggle with my appearance. Sometimes I look at myself and think I’m the prettiest person, but there are moments when all I see are the imperfections.
It wasn’t always like this though. Before fourth grade, I used to consider myself perfect in every way. In my eyes, I looked like a normal 7 year-old girl, but this mindset got destroyed when I entered fourth grade.
Who could’ve thought two little girls would destroy my self-esteem forever?
Back in elementary school I had two friends who would always criticize everything about me, especially my looks. I thought the comments would stop, but they just kept getting worse. My younger self just dealt with it because she didn’t want to be alone and hated the idea of having no friends, so she decided to tolerate it.
To this day, their words haunt me.
“She is ugly and fat.”
“She is such a crybaby.”
“I wish she wasn’t in our class.”
I didn’t understand how elementary kids could be so rude. We were kids, we were supposed to get along and not bring each other down. I tried so hard to be liked by them; anything they needed, I would always do it for them. I even tried to dress like them and sometimes do their work for them.
I never stood up for myself because I was too scared of them. They never hurt me physically, but they had power over me emotionally. Only one person stood up for me. Melody was the only true friend I had during that time. She was always there for me. I still remember the way she would scream at my so-called friends. Melody always told me I needed to stand up for myself, but I just couldn’t.
Eventually, elementary school passed and middle school began. I didn’t talk to my so-called friends. I would walk next to them like strangers, and I wasn’t scared anymore. However, the damage they caused to my self-esteem was nearly impossible to repair.
When I was in seventh grade, one of the girls was in one of my classes. She sat next to me and started talking to me normally. I guess she didn’t have an ounce of guilt within her wicked heart because she acted like I was her friend. Though as she continued to talk to me, I realized I was wrong.
“I am so sorry for what I did when we were kids.”
Finally, for the first time in so long, I was at peace in her presence. I received an apology from one of the individuals who did so much damage to me. I saw in her eyes how sorry she was. All I did was hug her, tell her it was OK and to not worry about it.
I was still mad at myself though. I regret not standing up for myself. I could’ve stopped the harassment, but I never did. I let them treat me like garbage. It was my fault too.
At 17 years old, I still remember every single detail of my elementary school years. It’s sad to think the happiest years of my life ended up being hell. Those harsh words linger in the back of my mind and bring me down almost every single day.
Whenever I say I’m fat or ugly, I’m not asking for compliments; I say this because I really mean it. I look in the mirror and all I see are imperfections. I try every day to change the way I see myself. Sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn’t. This constant battle of lacking self-esteem is something I will live with for the rest of my life.
However, this experience has helped me build my character. I am a person who actually stands up for myself and others as well. I walk with my head up. I am confident enough to say I have made some real friends who will never let me down. Those girls who bullied me, surprisingly, helped me be the courageous person I am today.
