Like every single writing assignment I did in high school, I procrastinated this to the last second and wrote it the day before it was supposed to be published. But to make it sound less bad, I’ll be honest and admit that I had about three “perfect” drafts written and ended up erasing them all.

See, I wanted to write something important, something that mattered, something that captured exactly what I’m feeling at this moment, but no combination of words can be perfectly structured together to accurately paint a picture of how much I despise saying goodbye.

Because “goodbye” seems too permanent and “see you later” sounds too cheesy. Can someone please tell me how am I supposed to look at my closest friends and find the correct words to not make me leaving hurt so bad?

Maybe I should just look them in the eyes, and shake their hands while saying, “Thanks for the memories” and then just kinda throw up a peace sign and walk away. Is that too cold? I feel like that beats dissolving into a puddle of tears and holding onto them so tight I have to be pulled off of them.

Under insane amounts of pressure I never have the most appropriate reactions. I laugh during the worst times (don’t get hurt in front of me), I laugh at the dumbest things (my friends like to allude to my “velcro moment” constantly), I’ll cry over irrelevant things (breakfast pizza) and I’ll be extremely petty when I want to be (yikes let’s not get into this one).

Senior year has been full of laughs and tears. No one told me that this year was made up of 75% tears (the rain we’ve been having isn’t really rain it’s actually the tears of seniors who are tired, stressed, sad, happy and so over high school). I wish I could say I’m giving my tear ducts a rest but I don’t think that’s the case, I think it’s going to get a little worse the next few months.

But the roller coaster of emotions is normal, I’m just glad to say I made it with most of my sanity intact. Well, at least if you ask the correct people.

I asked five of my closest friends to describe me, and I started crying.

Not because of what they said when describing me but because their responses matched their personalities so accurately it hurt.

I know all my closest friends like the palms of my hands. I’ve gone through things with them that I wouldn’t want to go through again, but I am grateful that those experiences shaped me to be who I am today.

My friends are my rocks; they keep me grounded when I start to float away. I’m not going to be dramatic and say I can’t live without them, but I don’t want to.

Not one of my friends called me emotional when describing me, but I can guarantee they have all witnessed that side of me and if I had to describe myself that would definitely be the word I would use. I am a 5’2 bundle of emotions.

I think that’s why I hate goodbyes. I feel them too much.

When I was younger people would say that high school was going to be the best four years of my life but looking back now I seriously hope they were lying.

Freshman year was a confusing mess. I would never relive it again.

I can’t look at sophomore year without feeling bittersweet. It was a great year, but I want to erase the summer that came after.

Junior year was painful. The aftermath of summer along with the school workload, I totally wasn’t prepared.

Senior year has been a roller coaster. If I told you everything that went on you wouldn’t believe it.

I don’t want to say high school sucked but it definitely wasn’t the best four years of my life. Despite how completely terrified I am for my future, I’m OK with saying goodbye to high school.

They say you become like the five people you are closest too, so since I’m close to seven that’s slightly terrifying because what if I become like the wrong ones? Kiddddinggggg. I love you all.

To my trash sister as you so elegantly call yourself: I hope one day you believe my words and see yourself the way I see you.

To my partner in crime: You are the scariest smallest person I have ever come across, but I am so happy I came across you.

To buñuelo: You have the heart of a lion and you never failed to make me laugh, please don’t ever change.

To my little friend who looks like a delicate flower: You are so so so lovely, remember I will always be a phone call away.

To the only one I don’t have to let go of just yet: I’m excited for these next four years with you by my side. We’re going to be OK, I promise.

To the one I’ll never admit is golden: I still think about Plan E. I know you’ll be so far physically but please don’t stray away from me too far.

And finally to my soulmate who I love more than myself: You make it so hard for me to leave. You have painted my black soul with neon colors and I am so grateful for that.

As I finally bring this to a close, I can’t say that I am fully satisfied with what I have written. I never am, but at least this was me being honest.

It’s all the things I wanted to say the best way I knew how. By saying everything and nothing all at once.

Like I said earlier, I’m not good with goodbyes. They hurt me too much.

So this is my second velcro moment. This is me laughing when I want to cry.

Here’s to the last four years of high school, here’s to the memories I won’t ever be able to forget, here’s to the people I can’t say goodbye to, here’s to whatever comes next.