Rapid thumps rattle through my heart when she smiles at me. She flips her long blonde hair, giggling at the funny TikTok I sent her. My eyes follow her every move, and I can’t help but feel confused as to why I get a different feeling with her than my other friends. 

Every second that goes by I fall deeper in love with her. 

No one has ever made me feel that warm and fuzzy feeling like my ex best friend. I felt like I was on top of the world when she smiled at me. The past me didn’t understand my feelings until the heartbreak I went through. 

I was taught at a young age that a girl was made for a boy, and I never would have thought differently. My mom would tell me, “Your time for your prince charming will come.” I always believed her because why would my mom lie? As time passed, I realized how different I was than all my friends. They would constantly talk about boys and relationship stuff. I never had anything to say to those conversations.

I remember when my ex best friend would talk about her crushes and the jealousy I felt was like a hot knife was stabbing my heart. At first I thought I was just upset that she would spend more time with him than me. However, I quickly realized the way I talked so fondly to her wasn’t how friends usually talk about one another. 

Only being 15, I wanted to figure out why I began to feel this way toward my best friend. I knew what being gay was, but there was absolutely no chance I could ever be gay. My family is religious; I know they have different mindsets about modern day society. I’m not religious myself, but I prayed to God every day, begging to change the girl who I truly was deep down. At night I would cry myself to sleep with my fears replaying as a nightmare. I was so young, and I never wanted to disappoint my family. 

My life hasn’t been the same since.

Realizing I like girls was a hard time in my life. I wanted to make my family proud, and I didn’t know if they would still love me for being gay. It was a secret I would keep, losing motivation in school and in life. I was so afraid of how people would react if I ever came out, that I lost myself in the process. As the journey of finding myself went on, it would only get worse. I constantly fought with my family, with them not knowing what was causing me to act differently. 

I couldn’t think about anything else but the fears I had.

When my mom found out I like girls, she still had hope I would marry a boy. How do I tell my mom I lied and said I like boys to make her happy? She accepted me but one comment she said left me crying in my room to God wishing I was normal. 

But Alexa, that can be a phase. It’s OK to be confused. 

Those words haunted me for years. I lied to everyone and only did more harm to myself. It was like someone else was in my body while I screamed to be let out. Realizing I like girls was easier than realizing I didn’t like boys at all. At a young age, the media I consumed was about a boy and girl falling in love. Now everything I knew had changed and I was this snowball rolling down with all my anxiety. 

It wasn’t until summer of 2021, where I couldn’t take the pain anymore. I already lost everyone including myself, I didn’t know what else to do. I was tired of hurting myself to make others happy, so I quickly made the decision to forget what others say. Once I listened to myself, I was able to feel confident in my sexuality. Coming out to my family was nerve-wracking, especially my dad. 

I told myself if they don’t accept me it’s OK because I accept myself. I don’t need permission to love someone. I never wanted to share this part of myself to my family but they surprised me with being extremely supportive. 

Being queer isn’t something to be afraid of. I wished I knew back then that everything would turn out OK. While some days are harder than others, I can confidently say I am gay and proud.